I remember, still vividly as if it had happened just yesterday!
I remember the distinctive ring of my tiny mobile phone especially persistent on this night with it vibration bringing about unusual shiver to my entire body.
I remember the tightness in my chest and the deep agony I felt as part of my world had ceased to exist.
I remember the many images in my head passing in a haphazard fashion. At times, those images seemed to fly so fast that I felt dizzy, and at other times seemed to slow down to a stand still.
I remember that hot August night; I can still touch the thick humid air that always seemed to affect the movement of my eyelids.
I remember that it was even more obvious on this particular night as I felt my eyes jammed open with my eyelids trapped in their upper position.
I remember all the thoughts going through my head ranging from prayers of hope to feelings of denial.
I remember; it seems for the very first time, viewing my world in a different perspective and judging it by different standards.
I remember a very noisy milieu but do not recall seeing anyone when I looked around.
I remember hearing many voices of the past giving me advice it seems from the world beyond.
I remember fighting my thought of desperation and anguish.
I remember fighting with my sense of faith and the wisdom logic.
I remember praying for a miracle.
I remember preparing myself for the worst of the moment.
I remember fighting back tears as I am doing right at this moment.
I remember regret of time spent away from loved ones.
I remember a deep loneliness inside.
I remember feelings of sympathy and concern for other half of my world.
I remember rehearsing in my head how events might evolve.
I remember a world where I was the only inhabitant.
I remember a desire to let go.
I remember the need to hold on.
I remember the burden of guilt weighting down on my shoulders and my soul.
I remember the driver seat in my car especially uncomfortable on this night.
I remember being driven to my destination with no one around.
I remember the distance being especially long and the road unending.
I remember a renewed appreciation for sirens, hospitals and lights.
I remember being grateful for another touch.
I remember savoring the last few words.
I remember feeling thankful for one more sight.
I remember feeling helpless.
I remember the need to be strong.
I remember the desire to cry out loud so the entire world would come to my help.
I remember returning to my senses and praying to almighty to make me patient.
I remember unknowingly speaking words of wisdom.
I remember being sought by inquiring eyes.
I remember being haunted by lack of answers.
I remember starting to feel a deep void that would never heal ever again.
I remember a perfectly split personality crumbling inside while displaying a forged strength on the outside.
I remember white nights broken by nightmares.
I remember a teacher slipping away.
I remember a defender handing his ammunition.
I remember the most generous source finally dimming.
I remember the light at the end of the candle.
I remember wisdom that will never cease to give.
I remember one final lesson in endurance, love, patience, respect, kindness, faith, perseverance, acceptance, wit, forgiveness, responsibility, …
I keep saying I remember!
How can I remember?
One can only remember if they have forgotten.
I have not forgotten.
I will never forget.
I have learned how to live without my father because that’s what he would have wanted me to do, but I will never forget.
I remember that with everyday that passes, I miss him even more than the previous day!
In my heart and in my soul you will always live until in my turn, I take you with me to my grave.
Copyright 2001 k. Rafiq
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